I got me a job today!!!! Wahoo!!!!

Thank you all for answered prayers!!! I got a much needed boost to my self esteem today! I finally got a job. It is only part time, but will get to full time hopefully soon!! And actually, I had to play one off of the other because I had another opportunity that presented itself today that I wasn't too keen on to begin with. I got a call from one of the recruiters saying they had a job for me and that I needed to take an Excel test right away and that this company wanted me to start tomorrow!! Then they told me the name, Well Care, and I wasn't too keen on that. Well Care is jerking Don's mom around and I don't like people that do that and don't want to be affiliated with people that do that. So, I called the Salem Trust Company people and told them that I had another offer on the table and 20 minutes later, I had an offer on the table!!! YEAH ME!! This is the niche that I have carved for myself and hopefully will be able to get this position full time within a month or two!! Keep your fingers crossed for that!

The job will entail things that I was doing at both Bank of America and The Savannah Bank, a combination of things. Thus, the reason for the niche! So, I am really looking forward to starting to work again and I will hopefully be able to find another part time job to fill the time while I am working part time for Salem Trust Company!!

Now the 2 have to agree

So I have come a long way in a short amount of time. It has now been just over a month that we have been separated. At first it was difficult. I wanted to be back with him and make all of this go away. But as time has gone on, I have come to the realization that I'm in a better place right now. Sure, I may not have what I want right now, but "its better to wait to get what I want, than to get what I want now and lose it." I stole that line from my dad. He is a very smart man. He helped me put this into some perspective. I needed that snap back into reality. I told my dad that I was angry that David got what he wanted right away and that I have to live at home. And that's when he hit me with that line. And then I wasn't so angry anymore.

Last weekend, I came to the realization that I haven't been happy for a long time either. I found letters that I had written and never gave them to David and one that I did. But ALL of them reiterated the same thing. His lack of communication with me. His lack of caring about how I feel about certain things. His putting his work and brothers before me and our marriage. He has been doing it almost since the start of our relationship 10 years ago. I turned a blind eye to it. I guess everybody thinks they can change the other person. I thought that it might be different with him, but alas, it wasn't.

So, right now, my head knows that this is the right thing for me, but it's my heart that needs the convincing now. I have to tell my heart that this is the right thing. I am hoping that I can get some more answers from David. I have sent him 3 emails with questions and statements and I am hoping against all hope that I can get answers to my questions. I think that will help me realize that this marriage is unsavable. I've been reading a book about divorce and it has really helped me. I know that I have further to come, but it has really opened my eyes to my relationship and the things that I let happen that shouldn't have happened.

Okay, I'm rambling so I will sign off for now. Please keep me in your prayers.

Looking forward, not back

Well, if things weren't bad enough, they seemed to have gotten worse last night. To make a long story short, David and I have web cams set up so that we could at least "see" each other and I could at least see the dogs. David just happened to move his left hand in front of the camera and lo' and behold, guess what wasn't there?!?! That's right, you guessed it, his wedding ring!!! I couldn't believe it! How can he be so damn cold and heartless about this? Before I left, we talked about our wedding rings and we said that we would talk about it before we took them off. Now, come to find out, he has already taken his off and that seems to be the end of that. Hold up a minute though. We aren't officially divorced! Makes me wonder what he's really up to. I continue to ask myself if it was real or not. And I honestly can't decide. Maybe in the beginning it was, but the last 2 or 3 years, I can't decide. I did the things I was supposed to do and I said the things I was supposed to and this is how I get repaid. I still feel like a piece of trash being thrown away. Just tossed into the garbage can without a second thought. So, as my friend Denise says, "You need to find your hairy balls." Well, I think this incident helped me find my hairy balls. I will not be entertaining his phone calls for a few days nor will I be engaging in Instant Messaging and text messages.

I have to look forward, not back and I can't look forward if I am continuing to be held back by this man who doesn't know that he screwed up. I can't get over him if I am constantly hurting myself. He has obviously moved on without a second thought to how I feel, so why should I care how he feels if I don't take his calls or IM's. Because I wouldn't be me if I didn't care. But with him, I have to forget that. I can't dwell on the past because its not healthy for me to do that. I can't continue to think that there is a chance for us when he doesn't want it at all. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work and I have been by myself in this marriage for a very long time. He checked out on me a long time ago, this just puts the icing on the cake.