I got me a job today!!!! Wahoo!!!!

Thank you all for answered prayers!!! I got a much needed boost to my self esteem today! I finally got a job. It is only part time, but will get to full time hopefully soon!! And actually, I had to play one off of the other because I had another opportunity that presented itself today that I wasn't too keen on to begin with. I got a call from one of the recruiters saying they had a job for me and that I needed to take an Excel test right away and that this company wanted me to start tomorrow!! Then they told me the name, Well Care, and I wasn't too keen on that. Well Care is jerking Don's mom around and I don't like people that do that and don't want to be affiliated with people that do that. So, I called the Salem Trust Company people and told them that I had another offer on the table and 20 minutes later, I had an offer on the table!!! YEAH ME!! This is the niche that I have carved for myself and hopefully will be able to get this position full time within a month or two!! Keep your fingers crossed for that!

The job will entail things that I was doing at both Bank of America and The Savannah Bank, a combination of things. Thus, the reason for the niche! So, I am really looking forward to starting to work again and I will hopefully be able to find another part time job to fill the time while I am working part time for Salem Trust Company!!

Now the 2 have to agree

So I have come a long way in a short amount of time. It has now been just over a month that we have been separated. At first it was difficult. I wanted to be back with him and make all of this go away. But as time has gone on, I have come to the realization that I'm in a better place right now. Sure, I may not have what I want right now, but "its better to wait to get what I want, than to get what I want now and lose it." I stole that line from my dad. He is a very smart man. He helped me put this into some perspective. I needed that snap back into reality. I told my dad that I was angry that David got what he wanted right away and that I have to live at home. And that's when he hit me with that line. And then I wasn't so angry anymore.

Last weekend, I came to the realization that I haven't been happy for a long time either. I found letters that I had written and never gave them to David and one that I did. But ALL of them reiterated the same thing. His lack of communication with me. His lack of caring about how I feel about certain things. His putting his work and brothers before me and our marriage. He has been doing it almost since the start of our relationship 10 years ago. I turned a blind eye to it. I guess everybody thinks they can change the other person. I thought that it might be different with him, but alas, it wasn't.

So, right now, my head knows that this is the right thing for me, but it's my heart that needs the convincing now. I have to tell my heart that this is the right thing. I am hoping that I can get some more answers from David. I have sent him 3 emails with questions and statements and I am hoping against all hope that I can get answers to my questions. I think that will help me realize that this marriage is unsavable. I've been reading a book about divorce and it has really helped me. I know that I have further to come, but it has really opened my eyes to my relationship and the things that I let happen that shouldn't have happened.

Okay, I'm rambling so I will sign off for now. Please keep me in your prayers.

Looking forward, not back

Well, if things weren't bad enough, they seemed to have gotten worse last night. To make a long story short, David and I have web cams set up so that we could at least "see" each other and I could at least see the dogs. David just happened to move his left hand in front of the camera and lo' and behold, guess what wasn't there?!?! That's right, you guessed it, his wedding ring!!! I couldn't believe it! How can he be so damn cold and heartless about this? Before I left, we talked about our wedding rings and we said that we would talk about it before we took them off. Now, come to find out, he has already taken his off and that seems to be the end of that. Hold up a minute though. We aren't officially divorced! Makes me wonder what he's really up to. I continue to ask myself if it was real or not. And I honestly can't decide. Maybe in the beginning it was, but the last 2 or 3 years, I can't decide. I did the things I was supposed to do and I said the things I was supposed to and this is how I get repaid. I still feel like a piece of trash being thrown away. Just tossed into the garbage can without a second thought. So, as my friend Denise says, "You need to find your hairy balls." Well, I think this incident helped me find my hairy balls. I will not be entertaining his phone calls for a few days nor will I be engaging in Instant Messaging and text messages.

I have to look forward, not back and I can't look forward if I am continuing to be held back by this man who doesn't know that he screwed up. I can't get over him if I am constantly hurting myself. He has obviously moved on without a second thought to how I feel, so why should I care how he feels if I don't take his calls or IM's. Because I wouldn't be me if I didn't care. But with him, I have to forget that. I can't dwell on the past because its not healthy for me to do that. I can't continue to think that there is a chance for us when he doesn't want it at all. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work and I have been by myself in this marriage for a very long time. He checked out on me a long time ago, this just puts the icing on the cake.

What a rollercoaster!

It has been a whirlwind of activity for me in the last 36 hours. I have moved out of a 1900 square foot house and into a bedroom at my mom's house. Crazy!! They arrived at 11:00 a.m. Thursday morning and we packed the truck to the gills. Got on the road at 3:30 p.m. and arrived at my mom's at 10:30 p.m. We unhitched my car and then rolled on over to the storage unit and was there until 1:00 a.m. cramming everything in! What a sight we must have been. LOL!! We got back here to the house and we were all exhausted. Took a shower and hardly slept. The emotions running through my mind and just being overtired didn't help. I am running on about 4 hours of sleep right now and am tired, but have no desire to go to bed yet. It's just crazy! I took a little more me time today and got my hair did. It feels great! I am making strides in being alone. It doesn't help that I am at my mom's, but this too shall pass. Think happy thoughts that I can find a job rather quickly so that I can get back out on my own. Just me and my cats. That's a good place for me.

Tomorrow is the day!!

Well, tomorrow is the day. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I am really going to miss being with David. But I know that this is probably the best for both of us. I have come to the realization that we both want different things out of life. So our parting as husband and wife kills me, but I would rather have him as a friend than not at all. We will make it work. I know we will. It will just take some healing time.

I am not sure what time I will be leaving tomorrow. My moving partners will be coming from Florida in the morning sometime. I have everything ready to go. I try to make things as painless as possible for people. I will be up early getting last minute things done. Please pray for travelling mercies for us. It is going to be a long day. I will update on Friday when I can. Thank you again for all of your support! It means more than you will ever know.

A Little Me Time Today

I took a "personal day" today and went out to Tybee Island. What a gorgeous day!! I have also been wanting to experiment with my camera a little bit, so I found the option to do black and white photos. I think it turned out pretty well. As I was sitting on the swing, I came to the realization that I don't need the BS that has been handed down to me. I have decided that God will not put on me what He doesn't think that I can't handle. I gave myself a little reflecting time and it worked today. Yeah, you know, tomorrow is Valentine's Day and David proposed to me 8 years ago, but I am going to make the best of it. And as my mom says, make it an "un"engagement party tomorrow. I think she may be right.





After I left Tybee, I went downtown and sat on the Savannah River. This is what I am going to miss the most about living here. Savannah is the 4th busiest shipping port in the US and I am going to miss the large ships gliding gracefully down the river. I think I will treat myself to beignets and coffee at Huey's Sunday morning in hopes that I may catch another ship coming or going. It doesn't matter to me. It really is a lot of fun to watch the ships.

All in all, I think today was necessary for me to come to grips with the things that I can't change. I am proud of the fact that I have been a wife and was able to support David in his endeavors. But this is about me now. I have to pick up the slack in watching out for me. No problem. I can do that. And with the family and friends that are supporting me, I know that I am going to be just fine.

The Freight Train Can't Stop!!

There is absolutely, positively, no way that this freight train is going to stop. Apparently, I am not a confident or independent person enough for him. I used to be before I let my guard down because he asked me to!! And now, it's not what he wanted. He has no idea why he doesn't want to be married, he just knows that he doesn't. Does that make sense?? Yeah, not to me either. I am so angry right now!! I had to get this off of my chest. He is still claming up and won't talk. I am actually looking forward to him going away for a few days so that I can think. I hope that he will keep from calling me too often so that I can. How can you say that to someone and not have a response for it? It's almost as if he can't wait to get away. He took me yesterday to show me his new apartment. I went along for the ride a) because I had never been to Rincon before and b) I wanted to see where my dogs are going to live. I asked about emergency situations and who was going to have a key. He hadn't thought of that!! Surprise, surprise!! Asked about Wills and Life Insurance. He hadn't thought about that either!! I don't know. Maybe he said these things to me so that I can get on with my life. I have asked lots of questions and haven't gotten a response. I actually sent them to him in an e-mail. He has yet to respond. It was like pulling teeth getting the information that I did about me being more confident and independent. Maybe this is better in the long run for both of us. It's hard to see the other side of things right now, but I think this is going to be a good thing. I will be leaving here February 19. My things and the cats. A friend of my mom's, her husband, feels so bad for me that he has offered to drive my mom and his truck and trailer up here to get me and my things. No charge!! I am ever so grateful for him doing that for me. It makes me think that someone actually cares about what happens to me. There have been times within the last 2 weeks, that it seems like David doesn't care what happens to me. I know that he cares for me, but it just seems like he doesn't care where I go or what happens to me once I get to Florida. Maybe this whole thing is a blessing in disguise and God does have a plan for me. While at church this morning, I went to the altar and left this situation at God's feet. And I actually felt better about it after I did it. I am still hurting. Don't get me wrong. But it made me feel good knowing that God is helping me in my time of need. I know that He is there. I am God's child. I will always remember that. Okay, I am going to sign off for now. Jack keeps howling at me while I am typing. It's actually kind of funny seeing as how David is trying to go to sleep. Hee, hee!! :-)