Looking forward, not back

Well, if things weren't bad enough, they seemed to have gotten worse last night. To make a long story short, David and I have web cams set up so that we could at least "see" each other and I could at least see the dogs. David just happened to move his left hand in front of the camera and lo' and behold, guess what wasn't there?!?! That's right, you guessed it, his wedding ring!!! I couldn't believe it! How can he be so damn cold and heartless about this? Before I left, we talked about our wedding rings and we said that we would talk about it before we took them off. Now, come to find out, he has already taken his off and that seems to be the end of that. Hold up a minute though. We aren't officially divorced! Makes me wonder what he's really up to. I continue to ask myself if it was real or not. And I honestly can't decide. Maybe in the beginning it was, but the last 2 or 3 years, I can't decide. I did the things I was supposed to do and I said the things I was supposed to and this is how I get repaid. I still feel like a piece of trash being thrown away. Just tossed into the garbage can without a second thought. So, as my friend Denise says, "You need to find your hairy balls." Well, I think this incident helped me find my hairy balls. I will not be entertaining his phone calls for a few days nor will I be engaging in Instant Messaging and text messages.

I have to look forward, not back and I can't look forward if I am continuing to be held back by this man who doesn't know that he screwed up. I can't get over him if I am constantly hurting myself. He has obviously moved on without a second thought to how I feel, so why should I care how he feels if I don't take his calls or IM's. Because I wouldn't be me if I didn't care. But with him, I have to forget that. I can't dwell on the past because its not healthy for me to do that. I can't continue to think that there is a chance for us when he doesn't want it at all. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work and I have been by myself in this marriage for a very long time. He checked out on me a long time ago, this just puts the icing on the cake.