I'm Having a Hard Time

So I have been struggling as of late with everything that is going on in my life. I want to hate David and not talk to him anymore, but that is not in my nature to do that. Like I’ve said, I am really, really angry with him for doing this to me, but I don’t hate him. And hate is a very strong word. I feel that I have been used and abused by him because he got to be where he wants to be career wise and I’m left holding the bag with no one to call my partner, forced to live at home because I don’t have the money to live on my own. I’m struggling financially. I’m struggling emotionally. I have been asking God for his help and He has provided a job for me, but it’s only part time.

I am very angry with David for ruining my relationships with both of my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and my other brother-in-law. I feel as though that neither one of them can put their differences aside about what has happened between David and I. I feel as though I have been defeated in that I won’t be able to see my niece and nephew. Especially since LaNora’s birthday is coming up next weekend. I’ve asked about plans for a party and it took 9 days and an additional email to get a response. Very annoying. I am also angry because I never get to actually meet my 2 nephews that were born almost 2 months ago. My sister-in-law had twins and I will never get to meet them. David and I signed our divorce papers the same day that they were born. Talk about irony! It’s actually really sad. That hurts that I will never get to meet them except through pictures. I just don’t want to be bad mouthed either when they all get together. They all beat Scott’s ex-wife to a bloody pulp and I have a feeling that they will do the same thing to me. I just hope that David will tell them to stop.

I am also really frustrated because most everything revolved around David and his needs. Well, now I have needs and I again am probably going to have to wait because I don’t have the cash to deal with the issues. I need about $1500 worth of work done on my car. I already feel bad about how much I am mooching off my mom and Don. I already owe them so much, monetarily and just for their support that they have given to me by letting me stay here, rent free. They are offering to help me pay for getting things done to my car, but I am thinking that I need to get a new car. My car is an SUV and drinks the gas and with having to drive 35 miles one way to work, I think I need to get a more fuel efficient car. But again, having to “use” mom and Don to get what is needed makes me feel like about an inch tall. I’ve already started to work on finding a new car. I can’t do it on my own because a) my credit isn’t all that great and b) I am going to have to roll some of the current loan on my car to the new car and I don’t have enough credit to do it on my own. I am so stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. I just don’t feel as though I can win. Thus the reason I am having a hard time.