My Weekend of Thinking

I think I came up with more questions than answers from my weekend of thinking. I spent most of the day Saturday in quiet solitude. It was really nice to have the quiet time to reflect on things that had happened and transpired since January. I can't believe that it has been almost 6 months since everything happened. I have enjoyed the peacefulness of not having to worry about who/what was coming through the door at night. Was I going to get a moody person or one who is calm and ready to deal with issues of family life? All in all though, I am more at peace. I am not as stressed about life, although, money is always a stress.

I'm still hurting and it will probably take a while for the hurt to go away. I just feel that there are questions that have still gone unanswered by him. I can't ask anymore, because I don't feel that I get satisfactory answers. Personally, I don't think he saw that this was going to happen as quickly as it did and that he got in over his head when he opened his mouth. But this blog isn't about him anymore...this is about me and helping me get through this rough time in my life.

So, I did some Internet research this weekend on How to deal/cope with Divorce and I found some pretty good articles. I began to follow the advice that was given and it helped a little to see that this wasn't the best thing for either of us. One of the suggestions was to make a list of "why we got divorced" and "why we were good together." This was quite the wake up call....the list for why we divorced way longer than I ever thought it would/should be. I'm not sure if my brain just doesn't want to remember the good times right now because of how raw my wound is, but I am hoping to find more reasons why we were good together.

Another suggestion was to stop thinking about my divorce all day, everyday. I was doing pretty good about it not being the first thing on my mind when I woke up, but as of late, it is creeping back in there again. This is easier said than done, but all the same, has to be done. And I don't know if I think about it because I feel guilty in that this is my fault and that I should have done more to save my marriage and done more for him. But, the more I think about it, he wasn't happy with anything he had. Always moving on after he got what he wanted and it never seemed to be enough for him. In the back of my mind, I had thought that he would one day get bored with me too, just like in everything else. And it came to pass. But at the same time, I had thought that he was good for my first husband. That is not something I had verbalized to many people. And the more I say it, the more it makes sense.

More suggestions I found were to make a list of priorities and goals in my life. I started those lists (I made them separate) and these are things that aren't unreasonable goals and priorities. It will just be a matter of time to put them into action is all. Another thing I found was to make a list and go to places that you went to together. This list may be a bit more difficult because they are things that will cost some money, but all the same, I will accomplish some of these items and move even further into become a stronger person because of this whole situation.

Here is a quote I found that puts this into some great perspective..."There is no future...there is no past...I live this moment as my last...there's only us....there's only this....forget regret...or life is yours to miss...no other road, no other day...no day but today."

So then I made a list...a Plan for moving on with my life and some of it has already been accomplished or in the process of being accomplished...ceasing communication, stop asking questions, get out of the house more. But the big one will be burning this notebook/journal that I have been jotting my ideas down in. That was another suggestion. You see it burning, it just does something for your soul, mind and spirit. I am looking forward to the day when I can do that. I will definitely take pictures of that, before and after, to prove that I actually did burn it.

So, I am still just doing okay, but am getting better each new day. Hugs to you my dear friends and family!

I'm looking forward to the long weekend

I have been anxious for this weekend to get here. I am actually housesitting for the weekend and am looking forward to having some quiet and reflective time to myself. Yes, tomorrow will be 2 weeks that I have been divorced, but that just made it official. We have actually been divorced for 4 months. I am anxious for my quiet due to the fact that I want to get my mind cleared from this whole mess that I have been in. I know that it takes time, but having this alone and quiet time is going to be a real treat. I am watching 4 cats and a dog. So far, they have not been a bother. The cats are leary of me so they are staying away. Reilly is sleeping next to me on the couch and hasn't been a bother at all. She is rather large dog that just wants attention, so I will make sure to give her some as well. I do hope that does quit raining though...they have a pool that I am looking forward to utilizing, but it rained for 3 solid hours this evening. Hope its not cold by the time I am ready to get it! YIKES!! Anyway, all is good. I just want the healing process to begin. I've made great strides but I know that I have further to come. Have a great holiday weekend!

Another huge step

So I took another huge step today and washed him from my life on a personal level for a while. Unfortunately, I have financial dealings that still need to be dealt with. My wound is so wide open, that in order for it to quit bleeding, I had to do this. I had to push him away from me, otherwise, I would never heal. But it hurts so much because I had to push him away. I guess this is the part where the two need to agree. My head knows that this was the right thing to do, but my heart is still struggling to accept it. He has been a part of my life for the last 10 years and for 6.5 we were married. How do you just turn that off? Can someone please explain to me how you just turn it off and not be sorry about it?

I couldn't handle anymore of the Facebook status updates. I had to delete him as a friend because the wound just kept bleeding. His status updates were driving me crazy. I feel that a lot of the time, he was updating it for my benefit...especially last Friday. We met 10 years ago last Friday and updated at one point that he was "doing quite well on this Friday." Gee, thanks! I quit updating my status because he just doesn't need to know what I am doing. So because he updated so frequently, (8 times or more a day), I would ask what was wrong or what was going on. Yeah, I would get my head chewed off for asking, so I quit asking. Except for this past weekend. I got curious as to who somebody was and I got venom thrown in my face. I was asking, as a friend, who this person was and viewed as me being the jealous ex-wife. I don't care what he does. When I saw him today, I was trying to keep it all business but I just couldn't do it. I had to ask again and he (I am almost positive) made up a lie right there. I can't believe a freaking word he says anymore. I won't rehash the rest of the conversation because there's just no point. What's done is done and I am going to come out a better and stronger person because of it. His lack of caring about me (which is obvious because of where we are today) just proves that he really didn't care about me anymore. Otherwise, he would have fought harder for me and our marriage. And that is the overriding factor in all of this. I need to remember when I asked for counselling, he said no, and just wanted out. I just hope to one day be able to be friends with him again and be able to remember the good times that we shared.

So as of now, I am still just doing okay. I need more time and distance from him and will achieve that hopefully within the next few days after the financial matters are dealt with until the next time. Anyway, thanks for your continued support. Keep those prayers coming. They would be much appreciated. Love and hugs!

So, I'm finally single

Not sure how to take that statement honestly. Never in a million years did I think I would be divorced, but people change and there really isn't much you can do about it.

Thursday I left right from work and drove to Savannah. It was a pretty uneventful drive, thank God. I called to let him know I was there and we went to dinner. The conversation was kept pretty light. And he stayed in a fairly good mood. And because it was still early, he invited me back to his place so that I could see the dogs. They were so happy to see me. Once I was there, they wanted nothing to do with him. It was kind of funny actually. He sort of yelled at me because I didn't sit in his chair to play with them. I wanted to sit on the floor and be on their level. I wasn't there to visit with him anyway!! I then was kinda sorta kicked out around 9:30 which was fine. I don't want to be where I'm not wanted anyway. I went back to my hotel and relaxed as much as I could. I had to do some more writing to get things off of my chest otherwise I would not have slept very well Thursday night.

I woke up Friday morning at 5:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I laid there until 6:30 and finally got up, got dressed and went downtown to sit by the waterfront. It was very quiet down there which was a blessing. Then I figured since I was there and needed to clear my head a little more, I power walked along the River front. One end to the other, all the way down to the Waving Girl and back. Then I went to Forsyth Park and sat there for a while listening/watching to the fountain. Such a beautiful fountain. Then I went back to the hotel and got cleaned up again. I didn't need to be there until 1:00 to meet the attorney. But he (David) calls me to ask why I haven't picked him up yet...it was 11:30!! It only takes 15 minutes to get downtown from the FedEx building, so I wasn't sure what that was all about. Not sure if wanted to spend more time together or not, but whatever. In the mean time, I had asked God to help me get through the day and help me to get through the hearing. I had tried with all my might to discourage David from coming, but he insisted on being there. So we get to the courthouse and the attorney finally shows up and we went upstairs. The hearing was supposed to start at 1:30 but a note on the door stated that everything was pushed back to 1:45. 1:45 came and went and the doors didn't open until 2:00. The judge comes in, we all stand, we all sit and wait for our names to be called. Ours was not the only hearing. I was second to be called up to the stand. The attorney asked me a bunch of questions and specifically asked if "my husband was here today in the back of the courtroom?" I think that was just for the record to show he was there. After he was done asking questions, judge said "granted" and we (David and I) were out of there. I think I kind of had a spring in my step walking out of there. David, not so much. I turned around and he was kind of far behind me walking back to the parking garage. He was pretty quiet all the way back to FedEx. I went in to see Beth and Sam. They are my friends and I hadn't seen them since David told them about us. Beth never said a word, but gave me a huge hug. Just let me know that she cares. It was really sweet. I had also asked David to send me back a picture that he no longer needs to have and he dragged his feet on getting it to me (like everything else) and I promptly went in his office and took it. I had no remorse for taking it either. So because I didn't have any other plans for the afternoon, I went back to his apartment, he went back to work and I hung out with my dogs all afternoon. I was so happy to have that time with them and I think they were happy about it too. We played and we all took a nap. He finally got back around 9:00 and we ordered pizza. He basically kicked me out again, this time at 10:00. Again, which was fine with me. I wasn't there to visit with him anyway. We made plans for breakfast on Saturday and he was to call me at 9:00. Yeah right!

I actually slept pretty well Friday night. I did wake up rather early, but went right back to sleep and slept until 8:30, which is something I haven't done in a long time. So I waited and waited for him to call. Finally calls at 10:00 and says he's on the way. Now, I know what you are thinking...why is this girl torturing herself? Well, I will tell you why. I was testing him. He has proclaimed all along that he wants to remain friends and all that BS. Well, if he were truly my friend, he would not have pulled the crap that he did Saturday morning. Not calling when he was supposed to. It's all because he doesn't care. I mean, I know that he's a jerk but he didn't have to show it too! Anyways, he had his iPod on and Pink's song "So What" came on. Not sure if you have heard the song or listened closely to the lyrics, but that song was created what seems like just for me. So, I began to sing it to him. He got agitated and threatened to turn it off. I said go ahead and he was like, no, I like the song. So I kept singing. I made sure to emphasize some of the lyrics in his direction. I think he took the hint because he just got nastier and nastier as the morning wore on.

We finally got downtown. Conversation was light, until breakfast. I ordered, he didn't. Said he wasn't hungry. I didn't fight him. Wasn't worth the argument. No need for me to care about him anymore. He wanted to be on his own and I let him have what he wanted. As breakfast for me was winding down, he started in on the money and insurance issue. We talked at length about it. I hope that he doesn't go back on his word. I will be really upset if he does and I will be up a creek without a paddle. As we left Huey's, there was a ship leaving from the port. I was so excited. He, of course, wasn't so thrilled, but whatever. Then we went into a few shops on River Street and at one point I got a little too far ahead of him and he yelled at me to "wait for him". What the hell!! You can't have your cake and eat it too! You aren't my husband anymore you jerk! You have no freaking right to tell me what to do. I was a little irritated at that. As our time was drawing to a close, he began to get nastier and nastier with me and with the traffic. I didn't realize that SCAD was holding graduation this past weekend, so there was that traffic to deal with which upset him all the more. I was able to get some other pictures I wanted and he begrudgingly took me to get the ones I wanted. Then he took me back to the hotel, dropped me off, gave me a kiss and hug. We stood there holding each other for a little bit and I told him "for what its worth, I'm really sorry." He didn't say anything for a few second and then said "I'm sorry too." We pulled away, I think he was crying too, I couldn't tell because of his sunglasses. He turned and walked back to his car, got in and sped away. And that was the last I saw of him.

Yes, I am hurting big time, but I know that I am better off without him. I know in my head that is how I feel, but my heart still has to catch up. The 2 still don't agree. Over time, they will. But its still raw and hurts really bad. So Peach, I will let you know when I feel fine, but for now, I'm just okay. Please know that I appreciate all the support you all have given to me. It really does mean a lot to me. And I do hope to be posting some happier postings soon. Until then, love to you all!

The First Day of the Rest of my Life

So I got "the" phone call I had been waiting for from my attorney's office Monday morning. I have to be in Savannah on Friday at 1:30 for the final hearing of our divorce. I have tried to find people to go with me, however, no one could go at the last minute. But the more I thought about it, the more I need to do this on my own. My friend Kathie Jo has called me a "Diamond." And any which way you strike a diamond, it is still beautiful. You can beat it, smash it, or cut it into smaller pieces and it's still going to be beautiful. And all because its really, really tough. And that is what I am. Tough.

I have realized over the last 3 months that I have not been with David that I gave up so much in my life. And for him to not recognize that and just throw it and me all away is just plain selfish. There were lots of things that I should have really paid attention to prior to our marriage. But I ignored them because I was in love. A part of me will always love David, but I am not in love with him. Not anymore. I am a little angry with myself for putting up with all of this for as long as I did. One thing I know for sure is that I am not regretting this decision. I am a much stronger person for taking the first step in moving on with my life. I'm still working on me, but I have come so far in a short amount of time.

Friday will be hard, I accept that. But now that means I can move on with my life and do the things that I want to do. I have some friends I need to go visit and just haven't been able to get down to see them. And now that I don't have this hanging over my head, I can plan to go visit and not have to worry about cancelling my plans. And for that, I am excited. I am ready to get on with my life. Eventually, I would like to find someone who will appreciate me for me and will accept me for me. I don't want someone who will try to change me or my image to suit them.

Please pray for me. Pray for strength to stand in front of the judge and not crumble. Pray that I have the strength to not be emotional (like I am right now). Pray that I have the strength to spend one final weekend in Savannah. Pray for travelling mercies to and from. I leave Thursday after work and will be home some time on Saturday. Not sure what time I am leaving from Savannah. Hugs to all who read this!