I honestly can't believe its been 6 months

A lot has happened over the last 6 months and I am not sure where to start. I will start with me first. I have learned a lot about myself over the last 6 months. I know that I have become a stronger person. God won't give you something you can't handle. I have realized that He has a better plan for me. He knew what was going to happen and that's why He didn't let us have children together. And with as tough as that is to say that, I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. I have given and continue to give myself time to get over my marriage. (Although, this week, with the passing of my ex-father-in-law, I have to be in friendship mode rather quickly. Maybe this is God's little test for me to see how strong I can be.) In the last 6 months, I have had 2 jobs, but the second is the one that I want to keep for the rest of my working career if that is possible. All signs point to me keeping this job permanently, but I just don't know what is going to happen. I got my job back with Bank of America on a contractor basis and my contract is up in October. However, if the Bank decides to keep me either on a contractor basis or permanently, I should know something in September as to what they are going to do. So please continue to pray that I get to keep my job permanently. There is an opening on the floor, but I think there is still a hiring freeze going on, so I can't yet apply for the job. Everyone I talk to says that the job will be mine, but I just don't want to put the cart before the horse. But at the same time, I am waiting, as patiently that I can, to get confirmation, because I need to be back out on my own. I have gone to look at apartments in Tampa and St. Pete and they are just waiting for me to move in. I really have to get out of here. I spent a week housesitting for some friends, and truly enjoyed my time by myself. Granted, I had to take care of the dogs, but they don't talk to you or cause too much of an issue. I am nowhere near taking for granted having living with my mom and Don, but at the same time, it has been a very difficult and trying time for me.

I am a little tired of being told what to do with my money. And I have also learned that my mom feels that me going out with a friend all the time has been a bad influence on me. Are you kidding me??? Does she not remember all the other times that I took a stance against my friends and went the other way when I was in a situation I wasn't comfortable in?? Apparently not. I didn't get to do the crazy things that a 21 and 22 year old get to do. I settled down too early. But I honestly feel that I am really and truly getting it out of my system. I have to get it out of my system. I am really enjoying going to these Adventure things. Went to one last night and there is another one on Sunday afternoon that I am going to. Next Saturday's should be a lot of fun. Yes, it involves a bar and drinking, but it will be with a group of people and it should be an absolute blast. I even got myself invited to a pre-party before the actual event starts. Thought that was pretty cool. The guy who is hosting the pre-party lives on Harbour Island and we can walk over to Channelside from his place. Now will be the task of not getting too drunk. I don't think I will because I will be with people I don't know, but all the same....

Okay, so I have filled you in on the exciting things of me, now on to what I have learned about me and what's-his-name. I have learned that I have become tough and that I can do things on my own. In my soul-searching weekend a few months ago, I learned that one of the things to in order to get over someone, you need to go to places that you went together as a couple. We went lots of places. But I have gone to a baseball game, Ybor City (on a Saturday night, with the girls, because they wanted pizza - very scary and won't be doing that again!), Channelside, and even family gatherings. He never engaged in family gatherings, especially when it was with my family. He constantly acted miserable around them. I have learned that I really do like being on my own. But that goes back to the paragraph above.

I have learned that I am so much better off because of all of the lying that has been done and that continues. He has lied on numerous occassions (even caught him in one 2 days ago! Something petty, but all the same, a lie.) So was January a lie? What exactly was it then that made him say those things to me (want to be alone, don't want to be married anymore) but yet, he now has a girlfriend?? Yes, I know that he was not happy for the 6 months prior to us splitting, but I mean really, did our relationship not mean that much that he can't give himself time to get over it before jumping back in, head first?

In my mind, and even sometimes, out loud to myself, I had said that he was an "OK first husband." There were times that I thought to myself that maybe I should have not gotten married and taken a little more time for myself. I never really got to do things on my own but I am very appreciative of being given that opportunity again. Not many people get to have a second chance of starting over again and finding what truly makes them happy. I am only 30, soon to be 31. I have my whole life ahead of me. I take comfort in the fact that all 4 of my grandparents were married to other people before they were married to each other. I have a theory as to why he decided to end our relationship and that is that I feel he wasn't ready to settle down and wasn't finished sowing his wild oats. Neither one of us lived on our own before moving in with each other. We met in May of 1999 and moved in together October of 1999.

So after having this time apart from him and being divorced, I have learned alot about him. As I look back over the years that we were together, there was always something he wasn't happy with. We moved constantly. We lived in 3 different apartments, our house in Tarpon Springs and then in Savannah. And he was ready to move again in Savannah but we couldn't do it. He was never happy staying in one place for too long. Same goes for cars too. In the span of our relationship, he had 5 cars. How many cars did I have, you ask? 2! At least I was happy with the cars that I drove. However, I wish I could get rid of the car I have now, but that just not in the cards for me right now. I have so many stories about his car tales, that I could fill another blog and think nothing of it. Ha! But this not being happy seems to have followed him to his job too! He was constantly telling me to pack my bags because he was going to get a job somewhere else. One time he damn near had us living in Cocoa Beach before he even had the job interview! Anyway, he is constantly looking to advance and move up the ladder. However, he's not moving up the ladder fast enough in his mind. He was constantly applying for jobs when he was here in Tampa. He still continues to apply for jobs in Pittsburgh or Maryland (HQ for Ground and his brother lives in MD, respectively). Let's put it this way, he has applied for a job in Pittsburgh, has yet to interview for it, but yet has already asked me to take the dogs back WHEN he gets the job! WTH?!?!

Something else I have realized is that he never actually said the words "Thank you" for moving to Savannah. I feel that I was taken for granted every step of the way when we moved. Yeah, my reaction to him getting the job wasn't the greatest, but in that moment, I realized how much he was asking me to give up (my friends and family, my job) and move away from everyone and everything that I know. And I am just supposed to be okay with it?

I don't miss the lack of communication. However, I seem to have that here at place where I live. So I traded one for another, but who's counting. He and I were instant messaging the other night strictly about football, because we are both HUGE Bucs fans and he doesn't plan on telling his girlfriend that we were chatting. I don't think that I can be in a relationship ever again that doesn't have communication. I would be forthcoming with the fact that I was still talking to my ex about something. I don't want there to be any hard feelings or anything. But I don't have to worry about that right now because there isn't anyone to not communicate with (if that makes sense.)

But with that being said, I am truly going to miss my football partner. We were into the same teams and watching football all day on Sunday and Monday. I don't plan on stopping that either. At least I will be getting the Bucs games and he...will...not!! Ha! I am sure that he will want to IM about it, but we will have to see what I am doing! I may not have time for that. Hee, hee! But I do need to find a new football partner!

So, when I started writing this post this morning, I had tears in my eyes because I thought this was going to be harder than it was. But this is where being tough comes in. I am doing so much better without him and the lack of communication. I am sure that once I have someone in my life, I won't be dwelling at all on my broken marriage. (Not that I am dwelling on it on a daily basis now.) I don't think about things as much anymore. Yes, I do think about it everyday, but there are times when I will actually forget, and I want to forget more often and let it all go. Then I will know that I have gotten over his sorry behind and can be friends with him. But only time will tell. Thanks for reading and letting me get this off my chest. I actually feel a ton better.