My Weekend of Thinking

I think I came up with more questions than answers from my weekend of thinking. I spent most of the day Saturday in quiet solitude. It was really nice to have the quiet time to reflect on things that had happened and transpired since January. I can't believe that it has been almost 6 months since everything happened. I have enjoyed the peacefulness of not having to worry about who/what was coming through the door at night. Was I going to get a moody person or one who is calm and ready to deal with issues of family life? All in all though, I am more at peace. I am not as stressed about life, although, money is always a stress.

I'm still hurting and it will probably take a while for the hurt to go away. I just feel that there are questions that have still gone unanswered by him. I can't ask anymore, because I don't feel that I get satisfactory answers. Personally, I don't think he saw that this was going to happen as quickly as it did and that he got in over his head when he opened his mouth. But this blog isn't about him anymore...this is about me and helping me get through this rough time in my life.

So, I did some Internet research this weekend on How to deal/cope with Divorce and I found some pretty good articles. I began to follow the advice that was given and it helped a little to see that this wasn't the best thing for either of us. One of the suggestions was to make a list of "why we got divorced" and "why we were good together." This was quite the wake up call....the list for why we divorced way longer than I ever thought it would/should be. I'm not sure if my brain just doesn't want to remember the good times right now because of how raw my wound is, but I am hoping to find more reasons why we were good together.

Another suggestion was to stop thinking about my divorce all day, everyday. I was doing pretty good about it not being the first thing on my mind when I woke up, but as of late, it is creeping back in there again. This is easier said than done, but all the same, has to be done. And I don't know if I think about it because I feel guilty in that this is my fault and that I should have done more to save my marriage and done more for him. But, the more I think about it, he wasn't happy with anything he had. Always moving on after he got what he wanted and it never seemed to be enough for him. In the back of my mind, I had thought that he would one day get bored with me too, just like in everything else. And it came to pass. But at the same time, I had thought that he was good for my first husband. That is not something I had verbalized to many people. And the more I say it, the more it makes sense.

More suggestions I found were to make a list of priorities and goals in my life. I started those lists (I made them separate) and these are things that aren't unreasonable goals and priorities. It will just be a matter of time to put them into action is all. Another thing I found was to make a list and go to places that you went to together. This list may be a bit more difficult because they are things that will cost some money, but all the same, I will accomplish some of these items and move even further into become a stronger person because of this whole situation.

Here is a quote I found that puts this into some great perspective..."There is no future...there is no past...I live this moment as my last...there's only us....there's only this....forget regret...or life is yours to miss...no other road, no other day...no day but today."

So then I made a list...a Plan for moving on with my life and some of it has already been accomplished or in the process of being accomplished...ceasing communication, stop asking questions, get out of the house more. But the big one will be burning this notebook/journal that I have been jotting my ideas down in. That was another suggestion. You see it burning, it just does something for your soul, mind and spirit. I am looking forward to the day when I can do that. I will definitely take pictures of that, before and after, to prove that I actually did burn it.

So, I am still just doing okay, but am getting better each new day. Hugs to you my dear friends and family!