Getting Closer!!

Was told yesterday, Friday Dec 18, that the job will be posted on the Internet on Monday! I hope that it is a Merry Christmas for me! Yes, I have to apply for it, but I was also told that I am guaranteed the job. Go me!!

Got confirmation today!!!

So I was told earlier in November that they were talking of ending my contract earlier than January, but that isn't going to happen. However, I did learn that in January, when my contract ends, I will be a FULL TIME EMPLOYEE OF BANK OF AMERICA again!!!! I am so excited!! Things seem to be falling into place for me. I am so happy about that. Things are working out for me and I couldn't be happier about it. I will let you know more details when they become available.

One Week and Loving IT!!

I have been here for a whole week and a couple of days and I am absolutely enjoying myself. I am so glad that I have a place to call my own now. I am working on pictures...I am not quite put together yet, but will be soon. I want to hang some pictures and straighten it all up before taking pictures. Thank you all for your support. It means so much!

Why is dating so hard?

So I went out on a date Friday night. Thought this guy had some real potential to be stickin around for a little while. So, yesterday, I met up with him a little watering hole and realized, that is not what I want. I don't want to be pushed into doing something I don't want to do. And if you know me, you know that it isn't going to happen if I don't want it to. When someone says no, it should mean no and that should be the end of it. No, he didn't pressure me for sex, but wanted to take me out on his boat, at night, and sit and talk. Seemed harmless enough, but I don't want to GET myself into a situation that I am not comfortable in and can't get out of. And it didn't help that he was rooting against me and my College football team and kept rubbing it in my face. Well, that's one way to get someone's attention. NOT!!! So, needless to say, its back to the drawing board.

BTW, its less than a week before I move. I am very excited about that! I honestly can't wait. I want to move now. I have waited this long and can wait a little longer.

Finally....a date to move!!!

Oh my Gosh!!! I can't believe I actually have a date to move into the condo!!! This is the date that I was thinking it was going to be, but I got confirmation of it today! November 21st! YEAH!!! I am so excited! I went to WalMart and picked a few more things on my list that I am going to need like cleaning supplies and such. I went there with the intention of just buying a new belt and walked out with $64 worth of stuff! Oh well! I am going to need the stuff anyway. I really am excited to be moving out and being on my own. I have decided that "failure is not an option". I am going to make this work, come hell or high water. Although, high water won't be a problem because I'm on the second floor. HA!! Thought that was kind of funny! I will write again as it gets closer to time!

New Place to Live!

Well, I'm going to take a leap of faith and move out soon. I have found a place to live!! I can't believe my good fortune. God has been watching out for me and providing for me. He has lead me through a difficult period in my life, and now is picking me back up. A friend at work has a condo that he going to rent to me for a decent price. It is a 2/2 condo in Palm Harbor. He is leaving his washer and dryer behind for me and included in the rent is the water. I couldn't believe my good luck in finding this condo and being given the opportunity to move out of my mom's house.

And then on top of this, we (the ex and I) received a nasty letter from the IRS stating that we owed them money for our 2007 taxes. Well, as it turns out, Uncle Sam owes us money! So there is more funds coming my way for my move.

I am just so exciting to be moving and getting to spread my wings and move on with my life without having to account for what I am doing all of the time. I get to be my own person. I never got to live on my own. I went from living at my parents house to living with what's-his-name. So I am nervous but excited all at the same time. It's going to be a good thing for me.

Things are looking up!

I am starting to feel like I am going to have some peace of mind soon. I got a lead on an condo to rent this past week. Pray that it comes through. I am really, really wanting this to work out. I need to be closer to my dad, as far as distance is concerned. He is not doing so well with his back. The drive to and from work would not be all that bad, probably 30 minutes each way and it just seems to be a good fit for me. I plan on going to visit it this week so that I can make sure it is what I want. Also did some shopping today in preparation for moving. Either way I have these things so that I don't have to buy them all at once. IKEA rocks!!! Slow and steady wins the race.

Is it too much to ask?

Don't get me wrong. I am very grateful for having a job, but I am really frustrated right now. I was promised a full time job, permanently in October. But upper management in the office didn't get their "permission" to hire anybody new, so now, I am still a contractor. Promises, promises. My contract has been extended to January, and hopefully then, I will become a full time employee of the bank. Please continue to keep those fingers crossed for me. It would be much appreciated!

Events and Adventures

First of all, this thing is so frustrating. I have been trying for an hour to get these photos loaded and in order and I can't freakin' do it right! So I will start off with the most recent adventure and work backwards, seeing as how Blogger won't let me do it like I want! Off the soap box now.

Okay, so last night's Adventure was going to Channelside for a Pub Crawl, however, we only "crawled" to one bar, technically 2 and that is where we stayed! I met a guy from the group there last night and we hit it off pretty well. As people were leaving from the group, I was starting to get a little worried about walking to my car by myself, so I asked him to walk me and he did. He is a nice guy, and am hoping to get to know him a little more. But for now, here is a picture of Cory and me.



This is from Siesta Key. I went down there for an Adventure and this was the only picture I took. I was having fun down there and forgot all about taking pictures.

And these two are from the first Adventure I went on. I wanted to start off slow and this was the perfect one to start with. Laid back atmosphere and just some people walking around mingling together. We went to the Florida Botanical Gardens. Very pretty place and am looking forward to going again when more flowers are in bloom.

The other Adventure I went on was to Skipper's Smokehouse for a blues band concert. It was really cool to see the kids of the band members get up there and sing. I was impressed with them and the band, Blue Dice. They have recorded an album and everything. Okay, that's enough for now. Hope you all are doing well!

I honestly can't believe its been 6 months

A lot has happened over the last 6 months and I am not sure where to start. I will start with me first. I have learned a lot about myself over the last 6 months. I know that I have become a stronger person. God won't give you something you can't handle. I have realized that He has a better plan for me. He knew what was going to happen and that's why He didn't let us have children together. And with as tough as that is to say that, I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. I have given and continue to give myself time to get over my marriage. (Although, this week, with the passing of my ex-father-in-law, I have to be in friendship mode rather quickly. Maybe this is God's little test for me to see how strong I can be.) In the last 6 months, I have had 2 jobs, but the second is the one that I want to keep for the rest of my working career if that is possible. All signs point to me keeping this job permanently, but I just don't know what is going to happen. I got my job back with Bank of America on a contractor basis and my contract is up in October. However, if the Bank decides to keep me either on a contractor basis or permanently, I should know something in September as to what they are going to do. So please continue to pray that I get to keep my job permanently. There is an opening on the floor, but I think there is still a hiring freeze going on, so I can't yet apply for the job. Everyone I talk to says that the job will be mine, but I just don't want to put the cart before the horse. But at the same time, I am waiting, as patiently that I can, to get confirmation, because I need to be back out on my own. I have gone to look at apartments in Tampa and St. Pete and they are just waiting for me to move in. I really have to get out of here. I spent a week housesitting for some friends, and truly enjoyed my time by myself. Granted, I had to take care of the dogs, but they don't talk to you or cause too much of an issue. I am nowhere near taking for granted having living with my mom and Don, but at the same time, it has been a very difficult and trying time for me.

I am a little tired of being told what to do with my money. And I have also learned that my mom feels that me going out with a friend all the time has been a bad influence on me. Are you kidding me??? Does she not remember all the other times that I took a stance against my friends and went the other way when I was in a situation I wasn't comfortable in?? Apparently not. I didn't get to do the crazy things that a 21 and 22 year old get to do. I settled down too early. But I honestly feel that I am really and truly getting it out of my system. I have to get it out of my system. I am really enjoying going to these Adventure things. Went to one last night and there is another one on Sunday afternoon that I am going to. Next Saturday's should be a lot of fun. Yes, it involves a bar and drinking, but it will be with a group of people and it should be an absolute blast. I even got myself invited to a pre-party before the actual event starts. Thought that was pretty cool. The guy who is hosting the pre-party lives on Harbour Island and we can walk over to Channelside from his place. Now will be the task of not getting too drunk. I don't think I will because I will be with people I don't know, but all the same....

Okay, so I have filled you in on the exciting things of me, now on to what I have learned about me and what's-his-name. I have learned that I have become tough and that I can do things on my own. In my soul-searching weekend a few months ago, I learned that one of the things to in order to get over someone, you need to go to places that you went together as a couple. We went lots of places. But I have gone to a baseball game, Ybor City (on a Saturday night, with the girls, because they wanted pizza - very scary and won't be doing that again!), Channelside, and even family gatherings. He never engaged in family gatherings, especially when it was with my family. He constantly acted miserable around them. I have learned that I really do like being on my own. But that goes back to the paragraph above.

I have learned that I am so much better off because of all of the lying that has been done and that continues. He has lied on numerous occassions (even caught him in one 2 days ago! Something petty, but all the same, a lie.) So was January a lie? What exactly was it then that made him say those things to me (want to be alone, don't want to be married anymore) but yet, he now has a girlfriend?? Yes, I know that he was not happy for the 6 months prior to us splitting, but I mean really, did our relationship not mean that much that he can't give himself time to get over it before jumping back in, head first?

In my mind, and even sometimes, out loud to myself, I had said that he was an "OK first husband." There were times that I thought to myself that maybe I should have not gotten married and taken a little more time for myself. I never really got to do things on my own but I am very appreciative of being given that opportunity again. Not many people get to have a second chance of starting over again and finding what truly makes them happy. I am only 30, soon to be 31. I have my whole life ahead of me. I take comfort in the fact that all 4 of my grandparents were married to other people before they were married to each other. I have a theory as to why he decided to end our relationship and that is that I feel he wasn't ready to settle down and wasn't finished sowing his wild oats. Neither one of us lived on our own before moving in with each other. We met in May of 1999 and moved in together October of 1999.

So after having this time apart from him and being divorced, I have learned alot about him. As I look back over the years that we were together, there was always something he wasn't happy with. We moved constantly. We lived in 3 different apartments, our house in Tarpon Springs and then in Savannah. And he was ready to move again in Savannah but we couldn't do it. He was never happy staying in one place for too long. Same goes for cars too. In the span of our relationship, he had 5 cars. How many cars did I have, you ask? 2! At least I was happy with the cars that I drove. However, I wish I could get rid of the car I have now, but that just not in the cards for me right now. I have so many stories about his car tales, that I could fill another blog and think nothing of it. Ha! But this not being happy seems to have followed him to his job too! He was constantly telling me to pack my bags because he was going to get a job somewhere else. One time he damn near had us living in Cocoa Beach before he even had the job interview! Anyway, he is constantly looking to advance and move up the ladder. However, he's not moving up the ladder fast enough in his mind. He was constantly applying for jobs when he was here in Tampa. He still continues to apply for jobs in Pittsburgh or Maryland (HQ for Ground and his brother lives in MD, respectively). Let's put it this way, he has applied for a job in Pittsburgh, has yet to interview for it, but yet has already asked me to take the dogs back WHEN he gets the job! WTH?!?!

Something else I have realized is that he never actually said the words "Thank you" for moving to Savannah. I feel that I was taken for granted every step of the way when we moved. Yeah, my reaction to him getting the job wasn't the greatest, but in that moment, I realized how much he was asking me to give up (my friends and family, my job) and move away from everyone and everything that I know. And I am just supposed to be okay with it?

I don't miss the lack of communication. However, I seem to have that here at place where I live. So I traded one for another, but who's counting. He and I were instant messaging the other night strictly about football, because we are both HUGE Bucs fans and he doesn't plan on telling his girlfriend that we were chatting. I don't think that I can be in a relationship ever again that doesn't have communication. I would be forthcoming with the fact that I was still talking to my ex about something. I don't want there to be any hard feelings or anything. But I don't have to worry about that right now because there isn't anyone to not communicate with (if that makes sense.)

But with that being said, I am truly going to miss my football partner. We were into the same teams and watching football all day on Sunday and Monday. I don't plan on stopping that either. At least I will be getting the Bucs games and he...will...not!! Ha! I am sure that he will want to IM about it, but we will have to see what I am doing! I may not have time for that. Hee, hee! But I do need to find a new football partner!

So, when I started writing this post this morning, I had tears in my eyes because I thought this was going to be harder than it was. But this is where being tough comes in. I am doing so much better without him and the lack of communication. I am sure that once I have someone in my life, I won't be dwelling at all on my broken marriage. (Not that I am dwelling on it on a daily basis now.) I don't think about things as much anymore. Yes, I do think about it everyday, but there are times when I will actually forget, and I want to forget more often and let it all go. Then I will know that I have gotten over his sorry behind and can be friends with him. But only time will tell. Thanks for reading and letting me get this off my chest. I actually feel a ton better.

6 month check up/in

Can't believe its been almost 6 months since things went the way that they have....however, i will be posting a 6 month check up/in soon. going to start working on it in my mind and on paper. helps to get things out that way. til then, stay safe!

Siesta Key Beach Day with E&A

So I signed myself up to drive 2 hours to go to the beach yesterday with Events & Adventures. And it was actually a lot of fun! Met some really cool people, who like me, are looking for friends to hang out with and just get to know one another. We were to meet at 11:30 at the beach. We spent hours in the water just tossing footballs and water balls around. It really was a lot of fun. However, I am paying for it today because 1) I am sunburnt and 2) I pulled a muscle in my arm throwing the balls around. Overall, it was a nice gathering. They will be having lots of exciting adventures in August that I am really looking forward to. I may actually attend a few more next month. It is nice that they do not let just anyone in and the age range is all kinds. The guys actually outnumber the girls. You can't be attached or have a boyfriend/girlfriend. It really is a unique group. I am looking forward to the next adventure!

Getting some ideas...

Since its a done deal, I don't like the fact that my wedding rings are just sitting in my jewelry box, so I took my rings to Helzberg Diamonds tonight. They were having a Restyle Event and I was invited to come and see what I could do with them. I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted, but I talked to my good friend Kathie Jo this afternoon/evening and she gave me a wonderful idea. She said, "why don't you consider a pendant for your Omega chain?" I didn't know what I wanted, but that sounded like an awesome idea. So I went and explored that option and found a pendant that I liked, but I would have had to plop down $500 for the new bauble and I couldn't swallow that this evening. So, I will save up for it, but boy oh boy, it is going to be a pretty little bauble when I get it made!! Thanks KJ for the great idea. The restyle guy will be back in October. KJ, you must come with me next time!!! Unless, of course, you are walking for cancer that night, and then I will let you off the hook. :-)

So it's all going well on my end. The job is great and am considering moving out of here sooner rather than later. I've had enough and I will leave it at that. So I am gathering my information to find a place to live and get out and be on my own. Just need to save a few dollars up for deposits and such. I will keep you posted.

*bomb dropping noise here*

things were going so well for me and then i had a bomb dropped on me...what freakin' night!!! i wasn't prepared for this bomb, dropped on me as late as it was. i know that it is never good to drop a bomb on people at all, however, this was just something i wasn't prepared to deal with...especially with what happened 2 months ago today. obviously dates don't mean much to people, this person especially, but damn....did he really have to lie about why things happened they way they did??? i haven't believed much of what he has said since everything has happened, and now, i really don't believe him!!! UGH!!!! i need a punching bag right now! 5:30 a.m can't come soon enough so that i can go walking to clear my head and then get to work to bury my head in work to get this off of my mind....i am so glad that i have a job that i can do that. i hope to be better tomorrow, but we shall see.

Let's hope for a great start to the week!

I am hoping that all the bugs will have gotten themselves worked out this weekend and that I have an email address and access to the systems I need to help out my team!!! I want to get my hands dirty and get into getting accounts taken care of. My team is drowning in accounts and there seems to be no end in sight for a while. Thus the reason I am there.

Anyway, it was a nice and pleasant weekend. Nothing exciting at all happened. We just hung out at the house and relaxed. I went to the pool today and almost witnessed a "girl fight". The reason behind why it would have been was stupid. It didn't happen, but I got stuck hanging out at the pool longer than I wanted to and got slightly burned. Oh well. Hope you all have a great week.

Second day was better...

But I have no system access. So, I am being paid to write on a piece of paper for the person who does the imaging and create little packets of information to be scanned into the database. I have been doing this now for 2.5 days and am quite bored with it. However, I am not going to complain too much because I am making money and working all day. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. :-\ Anyways, the job is going to be fabulous when I can get into it and get my hands dirty again. You know, dirty playing with other people's money. Ha! Geez I crack myself up! I needed to go back home and feel needed. I feel completely at home there. And the lady that sits next to me lives up here and she and I are going to drive in together and she won't let me pay for gas, tolls, or parking. She is so nice and sweet. It's going to be nice to be able to save even more money. I am very grateful to her for doing this. I actually pass her house on my way, so I will stop at her house and she will drive in. This will be starting tomorrow. Even if its just 3 or 4 days a week, its going to be nice. God put her where He wanted her and I will be very grateful to Him as well. I know that God is looking out for me. He brought me this job and He continues to show He cares everyday. It is absolutely amazing to me.

So, life is getting better. And life will continue to get better. I am not going to rush it anymore. I am going to relax and enjoy my time and my job and get things going the way they need to be for me. I am still working on me. And it feels fabulous!

So the first day was a bust

Oh, the irony in the name of the contracting company I'm working for to get back with Bank of America....Zero Chaos...and it has been nothing but chaos. I was told by my manager to come in today, however, because the paperwork was not right, I had to leave at 12:00. So I was home at 1:15 this afternoon. I felt completely helpless. I was helping out my new team with getting their files cleaned up because I had no access to any of the systems and was told to "put my pencil down" because I was not authorized to be there. So I got the email that I am now finally authorized and will be working all day tomorrow! If its not one thing, its another. So I hope to have more good news tomorrow. Til then...

Great Day That Turned Slightly Sour

It was a great day today. I got a full-time job working at Bank of America again!! I am so excited about that. I can't wait to start working back there again with people I know. It's going to be awesome. But the sour part came when I was looking at my friends list on Facebook and I've lost another friend because of our divorce. I'm slightly torn because now that I've lost my nephews and won't be able to see them, physically or in pictures, but it looks like I won't be able to see my niece and nephew either. What the hell gives!! I know that they are his family and friends, but it wasn't supposed to be like this. His words, not mine. No one was going to treat me any differently, again, his words. Now I see that this wasn't the truth either.

Anyway, I am going to dwell on the good things and not let the dropped friends get to me and move on with my life. It's only up from here!

Thoughts running through my head

So I did a little more soul searching this weekend and I came up with a theory that I think fits pretty well. A thought occurred to me about why this happened. We talked on New Years Eve and we had decided that he was going to finish his 18 months in Savannah and begin to look for new buildings, whether they be in Florida or Tennessee or whatever. In the next 2 to 3 weeks, something happened that he didn't like and I think he was afraid to tell me that he had changed his mind. So instead of telling me the truth and being a man about it, he decided to hide behind lies and lie to me. I honestly feel that this is part of the problem and I firmly believe that I am so much better off without him. I don't need to have someone lying to me as much as he was and excluding me from so much in his life. I never really felt like I was a part of his life the last few years. All of the things that he did, thinking that it was okay because he was "helping" with financial matters by taking care of things on his own. I have taken a step back and realized that things were never going to be the same once he started making those decisions. I am doing pretty well with not talking to him...its been a difficult 2 weeks, but I am handling things pretty well. I've been doing some research on separating myself and it was suggested at least a 3 month hiatus from talking to him, except on an as needed basis. I do believe I can handle that.

But that's all for now. I do have an interview on Wednesday, so keep me in your thoughts for that. Hugs to you all.

My Weekend of Thinking

I think I came up with more questions than answers from my weekend of thinking. I spent most of the day Saturday in quiet solitude. It was really nice to have the quiet time to reflect on things that had happened and transpired since January. I can't believe that it has been almost 6 months since everything happened. I have enjoyed the peacefulness of not having to worry about who/what was coming through the door at night. Was I going to get a moody person or one who is calm and ready to deal with issues of family life? All in all though, I am more at peace. I am not as stressed about life, although, money is always a stress.

I'm still hurting and it will probably take a while for the hurt to go away. I just feel that there are questions that have still gone unanswered by him. I can't ask anymore, because I don't feel that I get satisfactory answers. Personally, I don't think he saw that this was going to happen as quickly as it did and that he got in over his head when he opened his mouth. But this blog isn't about him anymore...this is about me and helping me get through this rough time in my life.

So, I did some Internet research this weekend on How to deal/cope with Divorce and I found some pretty good articles. I began to follow the advice that was given and it helped a little to see that this wasn't the best thing for either of us. One of the suggestions was to make a list of "why we got divorced" and "why we were good together." This was quite the wake up call....the list for why we divorced way longer than I ever thought it would/should be. I'm not sure if my brain just doesn't want to remember the good times right now because of how raw my wound is, but I am hoping to find more reasons why we were good together.

Another suggestion was to stop thinking about my divorce all day, everyday. I was doing pretty good about it not being the first thing on my mind when I woke up, but as of late, it is creeping back in there again. This is easier said than done, but all the same, has to be done. And I don't know if I think about it because I feel guilty in that this is my fault and that I should have done more to save my marriage and done more for him. But, the more I think about it, he wasn't happy with anything he had. Always moving on after he got what he wanted and it never seemed to be enough for him. In the back of my mind, I had thought that he would one day get bored with me too, just like in everything else. And it came to pass. But at the same time, I had thought that he was good for my first husband. That is not something I had verbalized to many people. And the more I say it, the more it makes sense.

More suggestions I found were to make a list of priorities and goals in my life. I started those lists (I made them separate) and these are things that aren't unreasonable goals and priorities. It will just be a matter of time to put them into action is all. Another thing I found was to make a list and go to places that you went to together. This list may be a bit more difficult because they are things that will cost some money, but all the same, I will accomplish some of these items and move even further into become a stronger person because of this whole situation.

Here is a quote I found that puts this into some great perspective..."There is no future...there is no past...I live this moment as my last...there's only us....there's only this....forget regret...or life is yours to miss...no other road, no other day...no day but today."

So then I made a list...a Plan for moving on with my life and some of it has already been accomplished or in the process of being accomplished...ceasing communication, stop asking questions, get out of the house more. But the big one will be burning this notebook/journal that I have been jotting my ideas down in. That was another suggestion. You see it burning, it just does something for your soul, mind and spirit. I am looking forward to the day when I can do that. I will definitely take pictures of that, before and after, to prove that I actually did burn it.

So, I am still just doing okay, but am getting better each new day. Hugs to you my dear friends and family!

I'm looking forward to the long weekend

I have been anxious for this weekend to get here. I am actually housesitting for the weekend and am looking forward to having some quiet and reflective time to myself. Yes, tomorrow will be 2 weeks that I have been divorced, but that just made it official. We have actually been divorced for 4 months. I am anxious for my quiet due to the fact that I want to get my mind cleared from this whole mess that I have been in. I know that it takes time, but having this alone and quiet time is going to be a real treat. I am watching 4 cats and a dog. So far, they have not been a bother. The cats are leary of me so they are staying away. Reilly is sleeping next to me on the couch and hasn't been a bother at all. She is rather large dog that just wants attention, so I will make sure to give her some as well. I do hope that does quit raining though...they have a pool that I am looking forward to utilizing, but it rained for 3 solid hours this evening. Hope its not cold by the time I am ready to get it! YIKES!! Anyway, all is good. I just want the healing process to begin. I've made great strides but I know that I have further to come. Have a great holiday weekend!

Another huge step

So I took another huge step today and washed him from my life on a personal level for a while. Unfortunately, I have financial dealings that still need to be dealt with. My wound is so wide open, that in order for it to quit bleeding, I had to do this. I had to push him away from me, otherwise, I would never heal. But it hurts so much because I had to push him away. I guess this is the part where the two need to agree. My head knows that this was the right thing to do, but my heart is still struggling to accept it. He has been a part of my life for the last 10 years and for 6.5 we were married. How do you just turn that off? Can someone please explain to me how you just turn it off and not be sorry about it?

I couldn't handle anymore of the Facebook status updates. I had to delete him as a friend because the wound just kept bleeding. His status updates were driving me crazy. I feel that a lot of the time, he was updating it for my benefit...especially last Friday. We met 10 years ago last Friday and updated at one point that he was "doing quite well on this Friday." Gee, thanks! I quit updating my status because he just doesn't need to know what I am doing. So because he updated so frequently, (8 times or more a day), I would ask what was wrong or what was going on. Yeah, I would get my head chewed off for asking, so I quit asking. Except for this past weekend. I got curious as to who somebody was and I got venom thrown in my face. I was asking, as a friend, who this person was and viewed as me being the jealous ex-wife. I don't care what he does. When I saw him today, I was trying to keep it all business but I just couldn't do it. I had to ask again and he (I am almost positive) made up a lie right there. I can't believe a freaking word he says anymore. I won't rehash the rest of the conversation because there's just no point. What's done is done and I am going to come out a better and stronger person because of it. His lack of caring about me (which is obvious because of where we are today) just proves that he really didn't care about me anymore. Otherwise, he would have fought harder for me and our marriage. And that is the overriding factor in all of this. I need to remember when I asked for counselling, he said no, and just wanted out. I just hope to one day be able to be friends with him again and be able to remember the good times that we shared.

So as of now, I am still just doing okay. I need more time and distance from him and will achieve that hopefully within the next few days after the financial matters are dealt with until the next time. Anyway, thanks for your continued support. Keep those prayers coming. They would be much appreciated. Love and hugs!

So, I'm finally single

Not sure how to take that statement honestly. Never in a million years did I think I would be divorced, but people change and there really isn't much you can do about it.

Thursday I left right from work and drove to Savannah. It was a pretty uneventful drive, thank God. I called to let him know I was there and we went to dinner. The conversation was kept pretty light. And he stayed in a fairly good mood. And because it was still early, he invited me back to his place so that I could see the dogs. They were so happy to see me. Once I was there, they wanted nothing to do with him. It was kind of funny actually. He sort of yelled at me because I didn't sit in his chair to play with them. I wanted to sit on the floor and be on their level. I wasn't there to visit with him anyway!! I then was kinda sorta kicked out around 9:30 which was fine. I don't want to be where I'm not wanted anyway. I went back to my hotel and relaxed as much as I could. I had to do some more writing to get things off of my chest otherwise I would not have slept very well Thursday night.

I woke up Friday morning at 5:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I laid there until 6:30 and finally got up, got dressed and went downtown to sit by the waterfront. It was very quiet down there which was a blessing. Then I figured since I was there and needed to clear my head a little more, I power walked along the River front. One end to the other, all the way down to the Waving Girl and back. Then I went to Forsyth Park and sat there for a while listening/watching to the fountain. Such a beautiful fountain. Then I went back to the hotel and got cleaned up again. I didn't need to be there until 1:00 to meet the attorney. But he (David) calls me to ask why I haven't picked him up yet...it was 11:30!! It only takes 15 minutes to get downtown from the FedEx building, so I wasn't sure what that was all about. Not sure if wanted to spend more time together or not, but whatever. In the mean time, I had asked God to help me get through the day and help me to get through the hearing. I had tried with all my might to discourage David from coming, but he insisted on being there. So we get to the courthouse and the attorney finally shows up and we went upstairs. The hearing was supposed to start at 1:30 but a note on the door stated that everything was pushed back to 1:45. 1:45 came and went and the doors didn't open until 2:00. The judge comes in, we all stand, we all sit and wait for our names to be called. Ours was not the only hearing. I was second to be called up to the stand. The attorney asked me a bunch of questions and specifically asked if "my husband was here today in the back of the courtroom?" I think that was just for the record to show he was there. After he was done asking questions, judge said "granted" and we (David and I) were out of there. I think I kind of had a spring in my step walking out of there. David, not so much. I turned around and he was kind of far behind me walking back to the parking garage. He was pretty quiet all the way back to FedEx. I went in to see Beth and Sam. They are my friends and I hadn't seen them since David told them about us. Beth never said a word, but gave me a huge hug. Just let me know that she cares. It was really sweet. I had also asked David to send me back a picture that he no longer needs to have and he dragged his feet on getting it to me (like everything else) and I promptly went in his office and took it. I had no remorse for taking it either. So because I didn't have any other plans for the afternoon, I went back to his apartment, he went back to work and I hung out with my dogs all afternoon. I was so happy to have that time with them and I think they were happy about it too. We played and we all took a nap. He finally got back around 9:00 and we ordered pizza. He basically kicked me out again, this time at 10:00. Again, which was fine with me. I wasn't there to visit with him anyway. We made plans for breakfast on Saturday and he was to call me at 9:00. Yeah right!

I actually slept pretty well Friday night. I did wake up rather early, but went right back to sleep and slept until 8:30, which is something I haven't done in a long time. So I waited and waited for him to call. Finally calls at 10:00 and says he's on the way. Now, I know what you are thinking...why is this girl torturing herself? Well, I will tell you why. I was testing him. He has proclaimed all along that he wants to remain friends and all that BS. Well, if he were truly my friend, he would not have pulled the crap that he did Saturday morning. Not calling when he was supposed to. It's all because he doesn't care. I mean, I know that he's a jerk but he didn't have to show it too! Anyways, he had his iPod on and Pink's song "So What" came on. Not sure if you have heard the song or listened closely to the lyrics, but that song was created what seems like just for me. So, I began to sing it to him. He got agitated and threatened to turn it off. I said go ahead and he was like, no, I like the song. So I kept singing. I made sure to emphasize some of the lyrics in his direction. I think he took the hint because he just got nastier and nastier as the morning wore on.

We finally got downtown. Conversation was light, until breakfast. I ordered, he didn't. Said he wasn't hungry. I didn't fight him. Wasn't worth the argument. No need for me to care about him anymore. He wanted to be on his own and I let him have what he wanted. As breakfast for me was winding down, he started in on the money and insurance issue. We talked at length about it. I hope that he doesn't go back on his word. I will be really upset if he does and I will be up a creek without a paddle. As we left Huey's, there was a ship leaving from the port. I was so excited. He, of course, wasn't so thrilled, but whatever. Then we went into a few shops on River Street and at one point I got a little too far ahead of him and he yelled at me to "wait for him". What the hell!! You can't have your cake and eat it too! You aren't my husband anymore you jerk! You have no freaking right to tell me what to do. I was a little irritated at that. As our time was drawing to a close, he began to get nastier and nastier with me and with the traffic. I didn't realize that SCAD was holding graduation this past weekend, so there was that traffic to deal with which upset him all the more. I was able to get some other pictures I wanted and he begrudgingly took me to get the ones I wanted. Then he took me back to the hotel, dropped me off, gave me a kiss and hug. We stood there holding each other for a little bit and I told him "for what its worth, I'm really sorry." He didn't say anything for a few second and then said "I'm sorry too." We pulled away, I think he was crying too, I couldn't tell because of his sunglasses. He turned and walked back to his car, got in and sped away. And that was the last I saw of him.

Yes, I am hurting big time, but I know that I am better off without him. I know in my head that is how I feel, but my heart still has to catch up. The 2 still don't agree. Over time, they will. But its still raw and hurts really bad. So Peach, I will let you know when I feel fine, but for now, I'm just okay. Please know that I appreciate all the support you all have given to me. It really does mean a lot to me. And I do hope to be posting some happier postings soon. Until then, love to you all!

The First Day of the Rest of my Life

So I got "the" phone call I had been waiting for from my attorney's office Monday morning. I have to be in Savannah on Friday at 1:30 for the final hearing of our divorce. I have tried to find people to go with me, however, no one could go at the last minute. But the more I thought about it, the more I need to do this on my own. My friend Kathie Jo has called me a "Diamond." And any which way you strike a diamond, it is still beautiful. You can beat it, smash it, or cut it into smaller pieces and it's still going to be beautiful. And all because its really, really tough. And that is what I am. Tough.

I have realized over the last 3 months that I have not been with David that I gave up so much in my life. And for him to not recognize that and just throw it and me all away is just plain selfish. There were lots of things that I should have really paid attention to prior to our marriage. But I ignored them because I was in love. A part of me will always love David, but I am not in love with him. Not anymore. I am a little angry with myself for putting up with all of this for as long as I did. One thing I know for sure is that I am not regretting this decision. I am a much stronger person for taking the first step in moving on with my life. I'm still working on me, but I have come so far in a short amount of time.

Friday will be hard, I accept that. But now that means I can move on with my life and do the things that I want to do. I have some friends I need to go visit and just haven't been able to get down to see them. And now that I don't have this hanging over my head, I can plan to go visit and not have to worry about cancelling my plans. And for that, I am excited. I am ready to get on with my life. Eventually, I would like to find someone who will appreciate me for me and will accept me for me. I don't want someone who will try to change me or my image to suit them.

Please pray for me. Pray for strength to stand in front of the judge and not crumble. Pray that I have the strength to not be emotional (like I am right now). Pray that I have the strength to spend one final weekend in Savannah. Pray for travelling mercies to and from. I leave Thursday after work and will be home some time on Saturday. Not sure what time I am leaving from Savannah. Hugs to all who read this!

A quick visitor today

So, he came to Florida for a meeting in Orlando tomorrow and Tuesday, but came early to meet up with his parents. I was slightly nervous about seeing him for the first time since I left 2 months ago today, to be exact. But after he got here, I calmed down some. He wasn't here for very long and I might have made him mad about a question I asked, but he didn't fight me on giving me what I asked for. I had some things for him that I had found in my boxes that I picked up by accident. But I will tell you that I am so much better off without him. I realized today that he is just a completely different person and he tried to make me change for him because he wanted someone else. He married me for me and now I wasn't good enough for him. Well, I will tell you this, anyone who doles out the crap that he has to me, isn't good enough for anyone. I don't wish him ill will. I wish him all the luck.

As for me, I am doing really well. I have been emotional but have come to the realization that it isn't worth it. I am really looking forward to moving on with my life and finding someone who will appreciate me for me. I want to find someone who will accept me for me and all of my quirkiness.

My job has gone full time temporarily. I am hoping that I can prove myself that I am worthy enough to hire full time on a permanent basis in the short time that it is temporary. But in the mean time, please keep my immediate boss Debbie in your prayers. She has a mass on her ovary and they are going to remove it next Tuesday. If they find the mass to be cancerous, they will do a complete hystorectomy (sp) and she will be out for at least 6 weeks if removed. Bad for her, but good for me, but I don't wish that on anybody!

Hope all is well with all of you! Hugs!!

Job Happenings

I really like my new job. I am learning some, but will be learning lots more starting Monday. I have been stuck doing a big project because my manager has had to work on the fees for the company. So now I am really familiar with creating PDF files from documents. Real familiar. :-) No worries. Monday will come soon enough and I will be learning lots more and I can't wait. Still haven't heard if and/or when it will go full time. I am scouting out second jobs, but that is proving to be just as difficult as finding a job to begin with! Ugh! Stuck between a rock and hard place!!

I'm Having a Hard Time

So I have been struggling as of late with everything that is going on in my life. I want to hate David and not talk to him anymore, but that is not in my nature to do that. Like I’ve said, I am really, really angry with him for doing this to me, but I don’t hate him. And hate is a very strong word. I feel that I have been used and abused by him because he got to be where he wants to be career wise and I’m left holding the bag with no one to call my partner, forced to live at home because I don’t have the money to live on my own. I’m struggling financially. I’m struggling emotionally. I have been asking God for his help and He has provided a job for me, but it’s only part time.

I am very angry with David for ruining my relationships with both of my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and my other brother-in-law. I feel as though that neither one of them can put their differences aside about what has happened between David and I. I feel as though I have been defeated in that I won’t be able to see my niece and nephew. Especially since LaNora’s birthday is coming up next weekend. I’ve asked about plans for a party and it took 9 days and an additional email to get a response. Very annoying. I am also angry because I never get to actually meet my 2 nephews that were born almost 2 months ago. My sister-in-law had twins and I will never get to meet them. David and I signed our divorce papers the same day that they were born. Talk about irony! It’s actually really sad. That hurts that I will never get to meet them except through pictures. I just don’t want to be bad mouthed either when they all get together. They all beat Scott’s ex-wife to a bloody pulp and I have a feeling that they will do the same thing to me. I just hope that David will tell them to stop.

I am also really frustrated because most everything revolved around David and his needs. Well, now I have needs and I again am probably going to have to wait because I don’t have the cash to deal with the issues. I need about $1500 worth of work done on my car. I already feel bad about how much I am mooching off my mom and Don. I already owe them so much, monetarily and just for their support that they have given to me by letting me stay here, rent free. They are offering to help me pay for getting things done to my car, but I am thinking that I need to get a new car. My car is an SUV and drinks the gas and with having to drive 35 miles one way to work, I think I need to get a more fuel efficient car. But again, having to “use” mom and Don to get what is needed makes me feel like about an inch tall. I’ve already started to work on finding a new car. I can’t do it on my own because a) my credit isn’t all that great and b) I am going to have to roll some of the current loan on my car to the new car and I don’t have enough credit to do it on my own. I am so stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. I just don’t feel as though I can win. Thus the reason I am having a hard time.

I got me a job today!!!! Wahoo!!!!

Thank you all for answered prayers!!! I got a much needed boost to my self esteem today! I finally got a job. It is only part time, but will get to full time hopefully soon!! And actually, I had to play one off of the other because I had another opportunity that presented itself today that I wasn't too keen on to begin with. I got a call from one of the recruiters saying they had a job for me and that I needed to take an Excel test right away and that this company wanted me to start tomorrow!! Then they told me the name, Well Care, and I wasn't too keen on that. Well Care is jerking Don's mom around and I don't like people that do that and don't want to be affiliated with people that do that. So, I called the Salem Trust Company people and told them that I had another offer on the table and 20 minutes later, I had an offer on the table!!! YEAH ME!! This is the niche that I have carved for myself and hopefully will be able to get this position full time within a month or two!! Keep your fingers crossed for that!

The job will entail things that I was doing at both Bank of America and The Savannah Bank, a combination of things. Thus, the reason for the niche! So, I am really looking forward to starting to work again and I will hopefully be able to find another part time job to fill the time while I am working part time for Salem Trust Company!!

Now the 2 have to agree

So I have come a long way in a short amount of time. It has now been just over a month that we have been separated. At first it was difficult. I wanted to be back with him and make all of this go away. But as time has gone on, I have come to the realization that I'm in a better place right now. Sure, I may not have what I want right now, but "its better to wait to get what I want, than to get what I want now and lose it." I stole that line from my dad. He is a very smart man. He helped me put this into some perspective. I needed that snap back into reality. I told my dad that I was angry that David got what he wanted right away and that I have to live at home. And that's when he hit me with that line. And then I wasn't so angry anymore.

Last weekend, I came to the realization that I haven't been happy for a long time either. I found letters that I had written and never gave them to David and one that I did. But ALL of them reiterated the same thing. His lack of communication with me. His lack of caring about how I feel about certain things. His putting his work and brothers before me and our marriage. He has been doing it almost since the start of our relationship 10 years ago. I turned a blind eye to it. I guess everybody thinks they can change the other person. I thought that it might be different with him, but alas, it wasn't.

So, right now, my head knows that this is the right thing for me, but it's my heart that needs the convincing now. I have to tell my heart that this is the right thing. I am hoping that I can get some more answers from David. I have sent him 3 emails with questions and statements and I am hoping against all hope that I can get answers to my questions. I think that will help me realize that this marriage is unsavable. I've been reading a book about divorce and it has really helped me. I know that I have further to come, but it has really opened my eyes to my relationship and the things that I let happen that shouldn't have happened.

Okay, I'm rambling so I will sign off for now. Please keep me in your prayers.

Looking forward, not back

Well, if things weren't bad enough, they seemed to have gotten worse last night. To make a long story short, David and I have web cams set up so that we could at least "see" each other and I could at least see the dogs. David just happened to move his left hand in front of the camera and lo' and behold, guess what wasn't there?!?! That's right, you guessed it, his wedding ring!!! I couldn't believe it! How can he be so damn cold and heartless about this? Before I left, we talked about our wedding rings and we said that we would talk about it before we took them off. Now, come to find out, he has already taken his off and that seems to be the end of that. Hold up a minute though. We aren't officially divorced! Makes me wonder what he's really up to. I continue to ask myself if it was real or not. And I honestly can't decide. Maybe in the beginning it was, but the last 2 or 3 years, I can't decide. I did the things I was supposed to do and I said the things I was supposed to and this is how I get repaid. I still feel like a piece of trash being thrown away. Just tossed into the garbage can without a second thought. So, as my friend Denise says, "You need to find your hairy balls." Well, I think this incident helped me find my hairy balls. I will not be entertaining his phone calls for a few days nor will I be engaging in Instant Messaging and text messages.

I have to look forward, not back and I can't look forward if I am continuing to be held back by this man who doesn't know that he screwed up. I can't get over him if I am constantly hurting myself. He has obviously moved on without a second thought to how I feel, so why should I care how he feels if I don't take his calls or IM's. Because I wouldn't be me if I didn't care. But with him, I have to forget that. I can't dwell on the past because its not healthy for me to do that. I can't continue to think that there is a chance for us when he doesn't want it at all. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work and I have been by myself in this marriage for a very long time. He checked out on me a long time ago, this just puts the icing on the cake.

What a rollercoaster!

It has been a whirlwind of activity for me in the last 36 hours. I have moved out of a 1900 square foot house and into a bedroom at my mom's house. Crazy!! They arrived at 11:00 a.m. Thursday morning and we packed the truck to the gills. Got on the road at 3:30 p.m. and arrived at my mom's at 10:30 p.m. We unhitched my car and then rolled on over to the storage unit and was there until 1:00 a.m. cramming everything in! What a sight we must have been. LOL!! We got back here to the house and we were all exhausted. Took a shower and hardly slept. The emotions running through my mind and just being overtired didn't help. I am running on about 4 hours of sleep right now and am tired, but have no desire to go to bed yet. It's just crazy! I took a little more me time today and got my hair did. It feels great! I am making strides in being alone. It doesn't help that I am at my mom's, but this too shall pass. Think happy thoughts that I can find a job rather quickly so that I can get back out on my own. Just me and my cats. That's a good place for me.

Tomorrow is the day!!

Well, tomorrow is the day. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I am really going to miss being with David. But I know that this is probably the best for both of us. I have come to the realization that we both want different things out of life. So our parting as husband and wife kills me, but I would rather have him as a friend than not at all. We will make it work. I know we will. It will just take some healing time.

I am not sure what time I will be leaving tomorrow. My moving partners will be coming from Florida in the morning sometime. I have everything ready to go. I try to make things as painless as possible for people. I will be up early getting last minute things done. Please pray for travelling mercies for us. It is going to be a long day. I will update on Friday when I can. Thank you again for all of your support! It means more than you will ever know.

A Little Me Time Today

I took a "personal day" today and went out to Tybee Island. What a gorgeous day!! I have also been wanting to experiment with my camera a little bit, so I found the option to do black and white photos. I think it turned out pretty well. As I was sitting on the swing, I came to the realization that I don't need the BS that has been handed down to me. I have decided that God will not put on me what He doesn't think that I can't handle. I gave myself a little reflecting time and it worked today. Yeah, you know, tomorrow is Valentine's Day and David proposed to me 8 years ago, but I am going to make the best of it. And as my mom says, make it an "un"engagement party tomorrow. I think she may be right.





After I left Tybee, I went downtown and sat on the Savannah River. This is what I am going to miss the most about living here. Savannah is the 4th busiest shipping port in the US and I am going to miss the large ships gliding gracefully down the river. I think I will treat myself to beignets and coffee at Huey's Sunday morning in hopes that I may catch another ship coming or going. It doesn't matter to me. It really is a lot of fun to watch the ships.

All in all, I think today was necessary for me to come to grips with the things that I can't change. I am proud of the fact that I have been a wife and was able to support David in his endeavors. But this is about me now. I have to pick up the slack in watching out for me. No problem. I can do that. And with the family and friends that are supporting me, I know that I am going to be just fine.

The Freight Train Can't Stop!!

There is absolutely, positively, no way that this freight train is going to stop. Apparently, I am not a confident or independent person enough for him. I used to be before I let my guard down because he asked me to!! And now, it's not what he wanted. He has no idea why he doesn't want to be married, he just knows that he doesn't. Does that make sense?? Yeah, not to me either. I am so angry right now!! I had to get this off of my chest. He is still claming up and won't talk. I am actually looking forward to him going away for a few days so that I can think. I hope that he will keep from calling me too often so that I can. How can you say that to someone and not have a response for it? It's almost as if he can't wait to get away. He took me yesterday to show me his new apartment. I went along for the ride a) because I had never been to Rincon before and b) I wanted to see where my dogs are going to live. I asked about emergency situations and who was going to have a key. He hadn't thought of that!! Surprise, surprise!! Asked about Wills and Life Insurance. He hadn't thought about that either!! I don't know. Maybe he said these things to me so that I can get on with my life. I have asked lots of questions and haven't gotten a response. I actually sent them to him in an e-mail. He has yet to respond. It was like pulling teeth getting the information that I did about me being more confident and independent. Maybe this is better in the long run for both of us. It's hard to see the other side of things right now, but I think this is going to be a good thing. I will be leaving here February 19. My things and the cats. A friend of my mom's, her husband, feels so bad for me that he has offered to drive my mom and his truck and trailer up here to get me and my things. No charge!! I am ever so grateful for him doing that for me. It makes me think that someone actually cares about what happens to me. There have been times within the last 2 weeks, that it seems like David doesn't care what happens to me. I know that he cares for me, but it just seems like he doesn't care where I go or what happens to me once I get to Florida. Maybe this whole thing is a blessing in disguise and God does have a plan for me. While at church this morning, I went to the altar and left this situation at God's feet. And I actually felt better about it after I did it. I am still hurting. Don't get me wrong. But it made me feel good knowing that God is helping me in my time of need. I know that He is there. I am God's child. I will always remember that. Okay, I am going to sign off for now. Jack keeps howling at me while I am typing. It's actually kind of funny seeing as how David is trying to go to sleep. Hee, hee!! :-)

Nothing's changed

Nothing has changed between David and I. We are still moving forward with getting a divorce. I never, ever thought that I would be going through this in my life time. And I can't believe how fast things are happening. I won't prolong the inevitable. It's not worth the heartache. So do you postpone for the sake of thinking it might get better? As of right now, no. I continue to ask him if this is what he truly wants and he says yes. That's the last time I will ask that question. It only hurts more everytime I ask. I guess for me I need more closure on this than what I am getting. He's the one that wants out and I am the one that feels guilty. Am I right to feel that way? Is it right to feel that way? I am so confused. I just wish that I had been given the opportunity to fix whatever it was that was wrong. That's just in my nature to want to do that. But I can't fix what doesn't want to be fixed in this instance. Maybe if the circumstances were different, we wouldn't be getting along like we are. But it is so damn hard. Sure I'm angry with the guy, but I still love him. So, I am still working on me. Please keep me in your prayers during this difficult time.

I'm working on me

Well, forever doesn’t seem to be in the future for me as far as marriage is concerned. David and I are going to part ways from one another as husband and wife. We were friends first before we got married and we will remain friends throughout the rest of our lives. It is going to be strange not having him with me through life’s challenges and ups and downs. I know that I can call him whenever I need to talk to him or vice versa. On my way home, I was listening to my iPod and the song by Sting “Set them Free” came on. “If you Love somebody, if you love someone, if you love someone, Set them Free.” And that is what I am doing. I don’t want to force him to stay married to me if he isn’t happy and just wants to be alone. I think that within the last 18 months, we have just grown apart and I don’t know how to explain it.

Things will be different in our lives, but we will always be there for each other even if it’s not in the physical sense. There are things in life that he wants for himself personally, and I don’t want to hold him back from that. He is not seeing someone else. He would tell me if he was. He just wants to be alone. He wants to be able to have his space and he wants to not have to answer to anybody but himself. All I want is for him to be happy. And if that means that we part ways as husband and wife, and remain friends, then that is what happens. Is it going to be different? Yes. Do I have to like it? No, but I will learn to live with it.

So now, I am working on me. I am going to get back on my feet and I am going to stand up straight and move forward with my life as well. My first priorities are going to be finding a job and finding a place to live. But first I have to pack my life up here in Savannah and move back to Florida. Lots of things have to be worked out and settled and it’s not going to be easy. I wouldn’t expect it to be. But with the family and friend support that I have, I know that I will move forward with my life and live it to the best of my ability.

Divine Intervention is needed

I am having a hard time grasping how my life has turned completely upside down within the last 48 hours. I have tried every which way that I can to keep things from falling apart as they have, but that seems to be to no avail. I have a very strong faith and belief in God and I need His support more than ever right now for the thoughts and concerns that I have. I don't understand what has happened between David and I. I don't know how to fix it and I don't know if he wants to fix it. But I do know that I have to fix me and I have to get help for me. Right now, I am working on me and maybe life will make more sense in a few days. I gave up a lot to be with my husband in Savannah. But I did it because I love him and want to be with him. I love him so much that it hurts. I didn't know if I would ever find someone to begin with. We met on a blind date and we were inseparable. We moved in together after only knowing each other for 5 months. He proposed to me February 14, 2001 and we were married June 15, 2002. We've been together for almost 10 years. That is a long time to be with someone. Never in my life did I think that I would find someone, marry him and be completely head over heels for him. He still gives me butterflys when he walks in the door. I love him with all of my heart and soul and made him the center of my universe. Maybe that was wrong, but I thought that was what is supposed to happen in a marriage and in life. Then if you have kids, they become your world. Together!! God has decided for some reason that he doesn't want for us to have kids or that maybe we aren't ready. But I don't think that I should be blamed for that. We went to the doctor and we know that there is nothing wrong with either one of us. I am open to the idea of adoption. There are plenty of children out there that need a home and I know that David and I would provide a good home. But priorities need to be straightened for both of us and if it is God's will that we have our own children or adopt, so be it.

Please say extra prayers for David and I. We really need them.

Please cross those fingers again

I need'em crossed again. I don't want to jinx it, but this one looks better than the last one. I will let you all know when you can uncross them.